Moving on // week 10

My trusty old CRV is packed and waiting to take me away come Sunday. We're saying goodbye to New Jersey and the lovelies we have met here, and heading to Pennsylvania for awhile. Zachary has a little less than two months of school left up in Clarks Summit and what comes after graduation is still a mystery. I'll be living in his hometown of Wallaceton with his dear Mother, waiting to see, in the meantime. Being asked to leave my host home didn't feel good but what a disguised blessing it turned out to be. To have the door close on a living situation that doesn't suit freed me to accept an invitation to move into a place that feels like home and where who I am fits, and that isn't a bad thing at all. Five hours is too far away to continue to work at Growville, finish taking my watercolor class or go to small group each week, but some relationships are only meant to last a short season, while others are a practice in staying intentional across the miles. It's all part of the adventure.

I'm so glad for the opportunity to stay out East, so close to the cities and the coast, and I am thrilled to get to live in PA rather than just visiting it. Every time I pass into PA from NJ during my travels the beauty of the woods and valleys delights me and I wish I was surrounded by it more often. There are half a dozen little towns and malls and golf courses and suburbs within a twenty minutes of me here in Jersey so after the challenge and adventure of living in this shopping center + four-lane highway area a small town will be a very different adventure, but it will be a much more familiar one. Bring on the spring planting, dog walking, backyard grilling and driving down back roads with the windows rolled down!

Where you fit // week 9

Dad always told me to figure out what I wanted and then go for it. I never knew what I did want, I was just really clear on what I didn't want. Lots of little wants whispered -- "travel", "art", "ministry", "marriage" -- but I couldn't figure out a lifestyle where they would fit together well. There have been a few opportunities I knew I wanted to take -- Ellerslie, India, the Little House and Mission:Denver with the youth group -- but as far as something for the long-haul, something for life that I wanted, I just didn't know. Until Zachary.

We had been on different pages about why I was moving to Jersey and that created quite the sea of conflict and miscommunication to navigate. Open communication brings a lot of clarity to confusing situations though and while he and are awesome at miscommunication and overreaction, we're also really dedicated to staying open. It took nearly two months to get back on the same page because some things have to be cleared up in person and to do that schedules have to line up for intentional visits. The result has proved to me once again how constructive conflict can be. People seemed to think that our relationship had hit a breaking point, but it was a bonding point.

Who I am and the life I lead has taken on more shape in the past two months. In my independence I'm free to test out my little wants -- going on weekend road trips, exploring the towns around me, taking a paint class, figuring out how to best show Jesus-love to my co-workers, wanting to do more street outreach with the poor and discovering a desire to serve the Body through helping lead studies and worship -- and make choices I get to learn from. For example, staying out late with my small group is worth the loss of sleep + getting up early to cover a shift at work last-minute is too. Figuring out and pursuing the life you want isn't usually as step-by-step clear as the process of getting a degree is. It takes as much work but it takes more flexibility and fearlessness in the face of uncertainty. You examine opportunities based on which will move you more in the direction of the Lord's will and even if it looks less sure than the other options you take the leap of faith and find that, while you may not have had control and knew you were taking a risk, He did have control the whole time and what looked like a risk was actually quite secure.

The steps I've taken that have led me to here weren't a logical progression that I could have mapped out as a five-year plan five years ago and ended up in this same place. Every step had so much purpose in it though and the Lord sees to it that nothing gets wasted when following Him into what He has prepared. I thought I was moving out here for six months so having this #newjerseyadventure come to a close after just three months was unexpected, but it doesn't mean it's wasted. Finding that the life I lead doesn't fit with my host home, that experience isn't wasted, He gets purpose and growth and fruit out of it. Finding that I fit well in child care but have to leave my job earlier than anticipated, the time I've invested and the lives I've connected with haven't been wasted. Finding a perfect fit with the most phenomenal community from a simple Google search and a brave move to reach out, the handful of times we've shared and the relationships that have just begun are not wasted even though I can't stay. This move was full of challenges and confusion and conflict and it didn't last as long as I had thought but Jersey was where I was supposed to be for the past three months and now that the purpose of this adventure has been accomplished in the Lord's eyes, He is leading me into where I'll fit next. I don't know what it will look like, all I know is that Zachary is a part of it. I'll let y'all know where I end up next.

Doors Close // week 8

I came back late one night, around 11pm, and winced as I opened the garage door knowing that the Mathai's room is right above the garage and I didn't want to disturb their sleep. Texting Suja earlier I had said I would be back later than 10pm and sincerely hoped the garage door didn't wake them. She emailed me a response the next day asking that I be back in the house each evening by 9pm or else find another place to live. Quite an unexpected and unfortunate dilema since I now had to regular evening events I was plugged into for community but both ended around 9:30 and were about 30min away from home. Communicating to Suja that I'd be leaving my groups early to respect the request that I be back in the house by 9pm I also asked how I could best avoid disturbing their sleep on occasional weekends when it couldn't be helped that travels would get me back later than that. She and her husband talked about this and when they got back to me they said they thought it would be best for them and their family if I found another place to live for the remainder of my time in Jersey. That's all. Surprised and confused I told them that prayerfully I would have another place lined up by the end of March. They said not to feel rushed.

I brought the news to my small group and they leapt to defend my cause immediately not only starting group early enough that I wouldn't have to miss anything but also assuring me that they could find someone in the church (PCC) that would be willing to host me or rent to me for four months. Have I mentioned how incredibly blessed and encouraged by these believers I am? If you ever find yourself alone and friendless in central New Jersey reach out to the "Nomads" of Princeton Community Church. They're legit!

One week later and no news on a place to live. I'm not sure how things will pan out in the coming weeks. I'm getting a picture of what a generous heart looks like though compared to a generous action. I want to be a person of a generous heart, quick to sacrifice whatever is needed in order to meet a known need and thereby love another person well.

Moving forward on the same page // week 5

A ship is safe at harbor, but that's not what ships are for.
// william g. t. shedd


Sweet times and hard words. Fighting for clarity for ourselves somehow turned to fighting for clarity for each other. Gentle souls weathering wild waves (and, more literally, the storms of the polar vortex!). The fear of being torn apart by natural reaction to life's trials taunts us. The stress of this season's claims on your time and energy, of prior commitments and of a list of priorities that aren't as unquestioned as they once were nags. And right alongside Grace cools tempers and strengthens faith and moves hearts to joyful sacrifice. What the world could so easily wear thin or pull apart, the Lord sustains. Conflict is our friend, I tell you! In my experience, live in fear + selfishness and conflict will drive apart but live fearless + selflessness and it will drive together.

Living fearless only works out with the Lord. If you have Him, you have all you need to live in the land of adventure all your days. There isn't a schedule of brave choices for you to make in your day that you get to know ahead of time, there is just leaning hard on the Lord throughout the whole day and greeting the trials and fears and frustrations with grace and fearlessness.  That braveness looks a hundred thousand different ways. Reaching out. Holding back. Opening up. Waiting for the right time. Taking a leap of faith instead of "waiting to see". Changing your mind. Keeping your word. Repenting. Forgiving.

My goal in coming East was to know Zachary better. His goal in my coming out was for me to know myself better. Took five weeks of miscommunication, thinking we were on the same page but not being, to clear that up but those weeks weren't wasted. Both purposes were playing out independently during them. We aren't starting over now, we're just moving forward on the same page. Told you the adventure was only just beginning!

///

Also, this happened this weekend. Comic con at BBC meant Zachary becoming Ziggy Stardust + me  "playing dress up" and getting an excuse to finally sport my cute red dress as Clara Oswald. He's really into Rock from the 70's and I'm a Whovian. Part of being fearless is taking each other as we are. I'm proud to be this rockstar's best friend. ;)

Conflict + Emotions // week 4

In any relationship there are differences and, often, break-downs in communication. These, among other circumstances, lead easily to conflict. As a culture that fights for comfort we avoid conflict like the plague. I get it. I grew up that way too. So, here, in a brand new place where the only relationships I have are the most basic and needed ones -- host home + employer + coworkers + a few hours away, Zachary -- its rough to have conflict in all of them at once.

I don't know how I knew but I did. The Lord does that for me sometimes. He knows how I work and although He has grown me to a point of trust and surrender with Him that I trust His heart toward me even when He leads me into things that go very against my hard-wired ways, He sometimes works in a way that's easy for me. I don't like unknowns and being unprepared for what comes next. Of course I am really into dreaming big and going on adventures and walking by faith rather than by sight. Finding my security in Jesus rather than knowing what will come next has freed me to live fearlessly like that. Now and then He gives me a heads up about things though. I don't usually realize it until afterward when I look back and see that my heart and mind was prepared in advance for a situation that would have been extra hard for me without that prep. So anyway, He gave me a heads up that this week was gonna be rough. For the first time in my challenging adventure of newness and loneliness, I did not want to face the week ahead.

Weary from four weeks of knowing that every interaction I was having with people were ones where they were forming their view of me -- none where I could just be completely easy and hang out, except at BBC with Zach. Little pickles at work and home were stressing me out. Getting desperate for quality time with Zachary and an escape from my day-to-day scene I tried every possible scheme for squeezing in a visit before he went to Ohio for a snow camp. My desperation and stubbornness + his stress-level from getting ready for his weekend away created the perfect storm of miscommunication and frustration and conflict for us. Conflict at work, conflict at home, conflict with Zach. It was all too much. I was wildly emotional, very unusual for me.

I was ready to pack everything up and run home. I didn't want to give up though. I didn't want to go running back to my comfort-zone and quit my adventure. My soft, soft heart needed some major comforting but my hard, hard head knew that if it was going to fight for anything it would be to make a wise decision not an emotional one. I called my Dad, got a pep-talk, and felt a little better. Then Momma texted and said that she had had me on her heart all day and was praying for me. I called her and got another pep-talk. Through our talks I learned that conflict is misunderstood as a destructive thing when it is actually a helpful tool. Conflict draws out deep issues that need to be addressed, reveals hearts, refines motives and perspectives, and tests character. There's no reason why we shouldn't come through every relational conflict stronger and healthier, but it requires pressing through it rather than running away.

I had a long weekend from work and had planned to spend it in Wallaceton with Zach's mom. Then a blizzard came through and extended my long weekend enough that I could manage to get to Wisconsin, have two days there and get back in time for work. So I packed quick, ate breakfast while I waited for the neighbor to plow our driveway and then hit the road. Yes, I decided to go on a 18hr road trip during a "State of Emergency" weather warning. I was having an emotional breakdown! My stubbornness and years of snow-driving skills kicked in well enough to get me through safely though. Stopping in Wallaceton on the way there I was finally able to relax and feel really, really at-home for the first time in a month. I got some balanced and helpful insight from "Momma B" over dinner that helped Zach and I begin to resolve our conflict. Being snuggled by pets and mothered there and at home over the weekend was SO refreshing. My two days at home were cut short by another on-coming snow storm I had to get ahead of but I had just enough time with my family and dogs, in my house, in my town, at my church and in my favorite places to process a boat-load of stress, reset and return to my #newjerseyadventure with fresh perspective and more clarity. I asked myself honestly if I regretted my big move East while I was home and the answer was no. In fact I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that, had I stayed rather than moving, that's what I would have regretted.

By this Tuesday I was back at work and in everyones good graces, settled right back in at my home-away-from-home and well favored there, and Zachy and I were all good -- better actually. I didn't come all the way out here for the opportunity to strengthen our relationship under the illusion that that would look like skipping through field of wildflowers or waltzing in the moonlight. I knew I was providing us with the opportunity to walk through the refining fires of challenge and conflict and cares. Adventure is messy but working through the mess is the brave thing to do and what it produces in you and others is invaluable.

What Love Looks Like // loving the stranger // week 3

I don't know where this week went. A few crazy snow-days, a couple days of work, a cold that lasted just six full days and right when I've finished processing + journaling out last weekend's visit to BBC, its the weekend again. I wish I could go visit every Saturday. All I do here in Jersey on the weekends is read, write and listen to music and I would be happy to do that in the presence of community, more than happy to. We aren't made to live in solitude and a two hour drive is a small price to pay for the company of friends. Zach needs time to do all his homework though, I don't want to distract him from his work, and I need to find community a little closer to home for these weekends that he's swamped.

I love my church family here in Jersey. Each week I'm excited to get to see them again and get to know them better but the intense winter weather we have been having has made it necessary to cancel most church gatherings throughout the week for safety reasons. I'm sure that the community I am so homesick for is going to be found in this Body of believers if I can just see them for more than an hour or two on Sunday morning.

I see people -- I mean I'm not a recluse. I live with a sweet family and work with nice women, I interact with cashiers and baristas when I run my errands or get out of the house for a change of scenery. I want the Mathai's to be able to do their own family things as much as possible though and working in the infant room you don't see the other teachers much. I'm introverted and I'm happy to have my own space and keep to myself when I'm at home, occasionally eating dinner at the same time or watching TV with the Mathai's. I love working with my four babies until close and then cleaning up and saying goodbye to the other two closer's at work, teamwork creates professional bonds and a sense of community at work for sure. What I'm missing though is meeting up for coffee with someone, dropping by to pay a friend a visit while they're working, or spending time in someone's home over a casual meal.

When you're lonely like this for community you don't have much to lose. Makes you brave, fearless even. You may even Facebook your Pastor's wife and invite yourself over to spend time with her and Pastor. She may even welcome you to do just that but take it up a notch and offer to pick you up at your house and take you out to dinner with them on a Saturday night. You may cry, even if you aren't much of a cryer, from the relief that such sweetness brings your soul. And I did.

Of needing people // week 2

I lack words but I want to keep welcoming you into this #newjerseyadventure. Loneliness makes the effort of words seem frivolous and useless but while I can't actually stop by for a cuppa I know you're still wanting to hear what I would share if I could. 

Last week was about establishing routine + accomplishing things for work outside of work (finger-printing and CPR class) which were both big adventures in my mind but neither as intimidating as I anticipated and far more enjoyable than I expected. I didn't really go out. I went to my appointments, I went to work and I went home. It was nice to develop a routine of cooking and working out and reading but I was really aching for community. You see, life can feel established and settled. I can no my way around and have a life that I operate in here, but it isn't much of a "life" without community.

I could write pages and pages, because I'm a story-teller and there is so much story to be found in the development of relationships, on my weekend visit to BBC but suffice it to say that I had a wonderful time. I didn't realize just how bravely lonely I have been the past three weeks until I soaked up Zachary's company and having a place in a community of people again. I told him after that it was like taking deep breaths after three weeks of taking shallow ones. I've missed having friends. We did a lot in just two days. He spoils me! Just doing life is the best though. Walking around, eating pizza, singing along with the radio, watching football (yes, it was embarrassing to be a Broncs fan on Sunday night).

>> sitting quietly and reading while he studied Hebrew was one of my favorite moments of the weekend <<

// discoveries from this week //

a neat little graveyard in Ewing - the flower selection at Trader Joe's - the back roads of Bucks County, PA - the insane toll charges of the NJ/PA turnpike (not taking that road to BBC anymore!) - Northern Lights in Scranton - a pretty little lake in Clarks Summit - the maze of stairways and halls on the BBC campus - all sorts of people who already knew about me and were excited to meet me - new friends who are looking forward to my next visit - how the Lord continues to go ahead and prepare the way before me with unexpected sweet blessings

Of living in the land of adventure // week 1

Somewhere between the overwhelming uncertainty and surprising loneliness of the utterly new + unknown, and the restful consolation of routine + familiarity there is a place called "adventure". In the land of "adventure" you have a sure-enough footing in something, whether it be the security of a GPS or a companion you trust albeit blindly, that your head isn't muddied by apprehension but is free to drink in the newness all around you. With wide-eyes, inquiring foot steps and a chest full of big dreams to be realized, discarded, or saved for another time, you venture forward. Pressing on, sometimes through unforeseen weather, you collect information and experience and memory and so, in your way, stake a claim in this previously unfamiliar place.

This evening is the one-week marker of my #newjerseyadventure and I have swung on the pendulum of the completely new, experiencing the staggering disorientation that comes from realizing that no one in the sea of people around you for miles and miles knows you personally even in the smallest degree as well as the exhilarating gratification of independent discovery. When no landmark is a gauge to you yet and every road has yet to be charted in your mind's map, you must explore! Starting from the location where you're putting down roots (whether that be a hotel room on a weekend trip or a new house in a town you anticipate living in for the next ten years) you set out with a goal to accomplish that, in an area you're acquainted with, you could typically manage to do with your eyes closed, but here, in this new land, will mean entering the alluring land of "adventure". Soon enough you'll get your barings and will be able to make it not just to "a" post office, grocery store or gas station, but "the" post office, grocery store or gas station you adopt as your own -- the place that habit will lead you again and again.

There is intense beauty in the mystery that cloaks ordinary streets and paints fresh color into the haunts of the locals. This kind of beauty is an acquired taste not immediately pleasing to the palette of anyone raised with an appreciation for the charming glow of an established sense of belonging in a community and the ability to greet each turn in a road or roll of a field with the confidence as of an old friend. It's okay to ease into it. "Adventure" is found down any road which you have never traveled, and there is at least one of those in any town. For myself, I'm delighted to be adventuring on the East Coast, only a handful of hours from a number of well-known cities full of less-well-known cafe corners and overlooked streets. This week I've already become familiar enough with the route from home to work and work to town (more specifically, shopping center), or any variation of the three, that I no longer need a GPS to show me when to turn. There is a tremendous sense of accomplishment in this fact, but too a bittersweetness in  reckoning those places now outside of the "adventure" land and into the more "homey" one.

Any adventurer knows the relief of something well-known in the midst of much exploration -- a friend's face or a coffee drink made perfectly to taste. The key to remaining an adventurer in a place you come to know well is to stay curious, to hold onto the bravery it takes to drive headlong down a road when you don't know where it will lead; to branch off the beaten path not heading toward a certain destination but an assured discovery. Getting stuck in a rut can feel like a luxury after the unsettledness of travel or moving, and really it is a luxury -- one we take much for granted, but to continue living in the land of "adventure" you must keep "leaving camp". It's a mission and a game all in one, with very little chance of failing.

// discoveries from this week //

the closest Chipotle - nearest Target - a fabulous grocery store - a central gas station - local post office - a church all my area connections go to - the preschool I now work at - four large shopping centers - two Starbucks' nearby - the Starplex theater that has cheap matinees - a small church I plan on attending - the charming downtown of East Windsor located on a tiny body of water - the whimsical main street of Chesterfield - rural roads I take home in Hamilton - a main highway - one corner of the University of Princeton - a very local Italian restaurant in Hamilton - an excellent bookstore in Princeton along with a handful of fun shops and cafes - the gorgeous river drive of Yardley I mean to return to someday

photo credit: my adventurous friend, Mikayla Michelle Photography