Wild + Free //

Have you ever had a season end with unanswered questions? I have. Not KNOWING used to drive me up the wall. That lack of control, of having a handle on a situation, made me fearful. Fear isnt in my DNA anymore though.

It is for freedom that Christ has set us free.

Have you ever heard God clearly and followed faithfully but made some big mistakes at the same time? I have. The shame of failing used to feel like being buried alive. The accusations that came against me were like knives. Jesus doesnt say, "Shame on you!" though, He says, "Shame off of you!"

Who the Son sets free is free indeed.

Two years ago, this season, I was in the very beginning of a relationship that would flourish and fade as quickly as a flower's season. My heart position through it was one of submission to follow the Lord wherever He led. I didnt trust my own ways. I had to go way out of the box I had always expected a relationship to stay within. I took risks, was vulnerable, made sacrifices, all to love another person well. I have no regrets. Not one. I did make a big mistake though. My mistake was in expecting what hadnt been promised to me and then being resentful when I didnt receive it. An abrupt and complete end after nine months of faithful, freeing, death-to-self love for another, and then I blamed the man for not committing as I "deserved" him to. I blamed Daddy God for not keeping His word to me that this relationship would last. Then I had my perspective corrected lovingly, mercifully by my good, unoffendable, faithful Daddy God. "Baby girl," He said, "I never promised you would end up together. I told you you were meant to be in relationship. And you were. All along you knew it was for Z that we were there, loving well. You experienced my burning heart of love toward him every day. I pursued his heart through you. Had you been merely friends you never would have been so close, so open, so able to speak into each other's lives. I needed to show Z My love through a person and when I looked for someone willing to be used, I found you. You walked it out so well. Every day. Growing along the way. You knew how proud I was of you, baby girl, walking through this new territory each day. You shone with the reality of it, My strength evident where you only had weakness. The mistake you made was in putting your eyes back on yourself when it ended, demanding what Father of Lies whispered were your dues. Answers to questions, owed reward, the badge of honor that commitment brings, human affection. I have better things in store to give you though. You cant earn them and you cant lose them through failure to perform. I just want to give you good things because I love you so much I cant help Myself. All I have is yours. You really experienced that walking out on the other side of the loss of relationship with Z. You had thought that your identity was in promise, was in hope fulfilled,  in the purpose and the calling on your life, but you found identity where it really is: in Me. So even when you thought you were watching your dreams, promises, hopes, and calling die, you were really walking forward into all of those by leaning yourself into Me. The relationship wasnt a mistake. The ending wasnt either. The mistake was a self-focus."

The truth will set you free.

Arent His ways wild?! Isnt His heart outrageous?! Resentment fled at the revelation of my mistake. I hadnt been cheated. I hadnt misheard. I'd made a rookie mistake. And Daddy God's mercy covered it. Z had been loved well. All the promises for my future had been preserved. Faith had taken new ground. Id experienced the freedom of walking in death-to-self. Its a really free and really fruitful place. I kid you not, it was the most beautiful and joyful thing Id ever experienced. But it didnt end there. Im continuing to learn what it is to walk in the freedom of being alive-in-Christ. He set me free from sin and death and shame -- glory! But it was FOR freedom that He set me free, BECAUSE He so loved me. Right in the same season of revelation about my mistake, as I was being disciplined (receiving correction to my perspective), guess what else was being revealed to me? A forever-Love. 

"Baby, Im ALL IN. Im not going anywhere. Im your forever-Love. Follow Me, stumble, I'll hold you up, humble yourself under my Love, receive. I want to walk through every single day of your life with you, baby girl. Have you misread John 3:16 as, "For God so full of mercy sent His only Son" or "For God so wanted to wash His hands of you He sent His only Son" or "For God was so determined to forgive that He sent His only Son"? I so LOVED the world that I gave My only Son. I WANT, DESIRE, ADORE you. I keep you like I lost you, because in the Garden I did, and from then til the cross I was working out the way to get you back, that we could again be ONE, forever." 

Guys, He didnt leave! My mistakes and blame-shifting and selfishness isnt a turn-off to Him. Nothing can make Him run from me and no matter where I go His love pursues me. He chose me before the foundation of the world and He doesnt regret the choice He made, or the price He paid. He doesnt want to let me go, never has, never will. He's pleased with me even when Im not pleasant. He knows me through and through, to the deepest depth and back again, and He adores me. Knowing I had Him even after I lost "everything else" in the break-up was my hope, but its become my life -- the breath I breathe, the blood in my veins. I have all of Him for forever. It was enough in a season of death. Its enough in seasons of life. He IS all.

Freedom from fear, from shame, from death, from the Accuser, from yourself. This word is for you too: Its for FREEDOM that He has set you free. Daddy God is wild.
Run, rest, live -- free!

What a year can change //

April 4th will be one year since a death of sorts occurred in my life’s circumstances. [If you have no context for my life a year ago you can catch up here.] A long awaited promise, a future full of hope and purpose, suddenly died. The Enemy kills. But I guess he still hasn’t wrapped his mind around the fact that Jesus has the last say in my life, not him. I will have trouble in the world, but my life is hid in the One who overcame the world — I live and overcome by the same power that raised Him up from death. Even in the confusion and distress of the loss, I knew I was held secure and that it wasn’t an end altogether. I knew joy comes after, I was assured that new life came next. Step by step, faith has prevailed and hope has been realized, the promise not undone, merely increased, doubled. If the Enemy thought he was crippling my ability to advance the Kingdom by his theft in my life, or hinder my love for the Lover of my soul, he was mistaken. The One who is in me is stronger. His resurrection power trumps the power of death. I literally experience it.

“Grand adventure and a happy-go-lucky" joy would return, I prophesied over myself last spring. Here we are. I live in a war zone. Every day is a wild, wonderful adventure. Seeing Jesus overcome, seeing impossible things accomplished in His name, seeing His glory proclaimed in the midst of enemy territory and His kingdom advanced there by the faith of the Saints. I operate on the earth, but I see in the spiritual realm -- more and more clearly all the time. On the outside the life I live seems ideal, probably quaint, but it is what I am called to and there is power working through it. Relationship, discipleship… doing life in community together, sowing seeds in hearts and watering them in others… Encouraging the believers, speaking life in places of death… Being faithful where I am, doing all I do with excellence… I came to serve. I came to invest in lives. I came to influence for freedom in Christ. I didn’t come to create a ministry, but I did come to minister. Im not an out-going person, quick to introduce myself and become acquainted with others, but Jesus is quick to reach out and He has done so so much through me that Ive gained a reputation for being in-my-element when interacting with and engaging people, whether acquaintance or stranger. 

Many know my heart for Milwaukee is especially focused toward the homeless, the poor, the discriminated, the prostituted, so it could rise as a question why my schedule isn’t marked by any devotion of time to peoples in these circumstances after nearly three months of living here. The answer is two-fold. First, that it is my intention not to build a great ministry organization around this mission but to simply operate in it in my everyday life, to embrace the opportunities that present themselves intentionally and to seek to make myself available by always challenging my comfort zone, not settling into a routine of isolated living. Second, as someone with little life experience in the acknowledged deeper or darker issues of the world, Im aware that I have need of knowledge and wisdom in order to fulfill the vision the Lord is shaping for my lifestyle of ministry, of Love in action, in this city. Faithfully proactive in this time of preparation and training, I am reading constantly, am in prayer individually and corporately, and am gleaning from born-again men and women trusted and respected for their service here. In due time the vision will come to life and many will see it. For now, ground work is being laid. 

I am incredibly grateful for the Body operating as the Father intended: together. The intense beauty of the great diversity of giftings and callings and personalities and tribes in powerful unity through Christ is a force to be reckoned with. No wonder the Enemy is so keen to stir up disunity among believers. Ive had the great joy of establishing true community and a partnership in mission with people from a number of different congregations in the area, several represented races, and all different seasons of life. It builds up and enhances. I get to serve many in little specific, personal ways throughout my weeks, and many others serve and bless me in specific, personal ways. Its awe-inspiring how our Father made His family to operate. He is all goodness.

I love my life here. I love the sights, the secret workings, the community, even the climate. I am not of this place identified as Brew City, but I am surely in it, I have called it home from day one, and its a privilege I take delight in to seek the peace of this city. Ive experienced the victory I foresaw, of life after death, in my life’s mere circumstances, and I know the same victory is available for the city of Milwaukee at large. The King is among us. #thebestisyettocome

Come Alive //

"This is what You do, this is what You do, You make me come alive."
// bethel music

"Healing doesn't mean the damage never existed, it means the damage no longer controls our lives."
// unknown

I had heard that the School of Power + Love was coming to Madison, WI two weeks ago through a friend and decided to go spontaneously. I wanted to be stretched, edified, and come to know my God more intimately. It wasn't until I was preparing to leave that Jesus whispered that healing was going to come to me while I was there. It had been prophesied over me a month or so ago that I would find complete healing in pouring out on others. I'm only recalling that now, looking back.

For anyone unfamiliar with it, the School of Power + Love focuses on teaching Believers their identity in Christ, providing a safe community to grow with in spiritual giftings and also empowering you to step out in love toward others everywhere you go. I've been learning to hear God's voice for several years and at the school I was able to practice hearing words of knowledge from Him and receive prophetic words from Him as well for individuals I had literally just walked up to and met. It was very encouraging to do these exercises with believers from all over, not just Wisconsin, but the world.

Two women received words of knowledge for me. The first was that dance is a special connection for me with God. Its close to my heart, it draws us close. This is true. Its an expression of freedom for me, a form of worship. The other was that God's theme song, that He sings and dances over me, is "happy". I received this word though I wasn't experiencing it. "Happy, eh, Jesus? Okay. I guess it is time to be happy again in life." Whole, happy Chelsea started breathing again and immediately people noticed. A dear friend said to me as we spoke briefly that night, "You always sound so perky!" That's Christ in me; this new Chelsea coming alive.

The days were long and tiring. That never changed but with each consecutive day I grew more thankful in the face of the length and more joyful in response to the tiredness. Friday afternoon -- our third day of worship, wisdom and walking out -- we were standing as Bob closed our second session with prayer. As he spoke I was overcome and sat down with my hands open on my lap and wept. My hands caught every tear as they fell and Jesus whispered that He had been catching every tear I had cried in every day past.

As I dried my eyes a young man named TJ was passing by me and he stopped to ask if I was alright and gave me a hug. I met his friends Tanner and Izzi and joined them during our break/outreach time. We went to the mall and spent our time loving on each other and others we passed by. TJ and I shared bits of our stories with each other while we ate, we also encouraged each other to step out of our comfort zones and obey the Spirit's leading as we ministered to strangers. In just two hours a couple people in the mall that we had met had come to feel like precious friends and other people from Power + Love that we ran into -- Dionta, a young man from MI, Rick and two of his kids Kira + Kaden, as well as two little girls: Christine, from South Africa, and Phoebe -- had come to feel like family.

myself, Izzi, Dionta + TJ

The Lord's presence is very real to me even in the times that I sense it the least. I've sensed His presence clearly and strongly many times but never truly felt Him before. During the evening worship and session though the Spirit was heavy upon me. I had been saying to the Lord, "Look at Your beautiful Bride responding to Your love!" as I listened to the Church praise Him. I got a picture of a Groom seeing his bride and being undone by the sight of her -- the one he loves -- weeping with joy and unable to look away from her, he's so completely and lastingly lost in love of her. A woman came over feeling led to pray for me. She prayed, "You have such a hunger [for intimacy with the Lord]. You've been hungry for a long time. I'm releasing satisfaction of that hunger tonight. The relationships in your life are going to be impacted by it. God is saying, 'I will never look away from you. Don't look away from Me. Its breaks My heart when you look away. That's when you start sinking. Keep your eyes locked on Mine. You're freed to never have to look away again. I will never look away. I declare intimacy over you.'" The picture of the Groom weeping at the sight of His Bride was burning in my mind. My knees were buckling under the weight of the Spirit. I knew that if I wanted to I could resist it and stand straight, but when your Lover comes near you receive Him!

Anyone whose heart was burning, knowing the Lord had specific purpose for them was invited to the front of the sanctuary. I wasn't going to, but the Spirit nudged me, so I went up with many others. As soon as I got up I surrendered to the weight of the Spirit upon me, kneeling with my face on the ground. He had promised a present satisfying of the years of hunger I'd had for knowledge of Him, nearness to Him, the sound of His voice and an intimate understanding of His heart, but I knew it was also going to be a continual satisfying of that hunger in every day to come. From all the days in my life past,  I know that when I'm alive in Him and compelled by His love, purpose to pour out in and direction to walk in always comes. Under His presence I couldn't open my eyes and could hardly move, it felt like the rest and peace of a deep sleep except I was awake. Praising Him and agreeing in prayer as others somewhere around me were prophesied over and blessed with calling and empowerment I asked Him where He wanted to "send" me. At that time a calling was prophesied over me. I don't know this because the person speaking was looking at me or because others around me were, I was flat on my face and unable to move so I couldn't see if this was the case or not, but everything he said resonated in the depths of my heart and made it burn and I shook with humility and joy and thankfulness as Love touched me. I rolled onto my side gently, as though rolling over in my sleep, and I don't know how long I was resting in the Spirit there on the ground but when I was able to sit up again I did. A young lady knelt down by me right away and asked if she could pray for me. I said yes. She asked what for and I said, "Ask Him, He'll tell you. He will tell you." He did and her faith was encouraged as she received her first very accurate word of knowledge. Essentially, my broken heart was healed and whole, every bit of it, I was receiving the love and purpose of my God freely and she got a picture of chains on the ground beside me [no longer attached to me].

The remaining time that we had in Madison was lived to the full. Countless people spoke over me that my face was radiant with Jesus, that I shone bright, that the beauty of Him draws people to me, that they could read peace and love and joy all over me. "Praise Jesus! Praise Jesus! That's not how I arrived here." Unable to believe it one man asked me what I meant and I said I had come with a heart that was broken. "I never would have thought you were broken hearted! It's finished, darling!" Amen.

"Pull me a little closer, take me a little deeper, I want to know Your heart. Because Your love is so much sweeter than anything I've tasted, I want to know Your heart. We will see the look on Your face and we will hear the tone in Your voice and we will be changed as we behold You."
// bethel music

I knew her //

The little girl Chelsea, who had long brown hair and bangs, who snuggled kittens and held her baby brother proudly -- I knew her. The long-limbed Chelsea who was constantly sketching and begging for a dog -- I knew her. The self-taught high school Chelsea with pulled-back frizzy hair and stacks of filled journals -- I knew her. I knew the Chelsea that hungered for righteousness so much she was willing to move across the country to attended a discipleship program when she was just seventeen. The Chelsea who was terrified of the vulnerability of traveling alone but within two years of her first plane ride alone was flying half way around the world to visit orphanages in India -- I knew her. I knew the Chelsea who worked in an office and homeschooled her siblings, the Chelsea who bought a Little House and remodeled it, the Chelsea who helped to lead a mission trip to Denver and led a small group for Junior girls. The invested-in-the-journey, held by Love Himself, full of peace Chelsea who had a best friend named Zachary -- I knew her. Growth and change occurs with age but nothing has so altered my life before that I no longer understood the woman who was left after the fact. Heart break changes you. I'm not the same woman I used to be. I'm still figuring out this new Chelsea.

Identity has been on my heart, in my prayers, echoing in my mind. I had grown up into a lifestyle of uninterrupted abiding in the Lord. The break up really didn't change that, the months of silence didn't either. The Lord was leading me through faithfully, navigating the way to His best in every situation. He had been hearing my prayers. He knew my need and promised His provision was coming. The day His best meant letting go and moving on from Zachary was the day my abiding was interrupted by pain. Fear and doubt and hurt questioned the Love that I'd only ever seen to be unfailing and good all my days, through the messiest of messes and the hardest of times. I really hadn't had someone else's choices change my life so directly before and I didn't understand it, didn't get that there wasn't a safe-guard against such uninvited alterations. Jesus revealed truths to me about the harmony to be found between free will and His unchanging nature in that time and here's the thing that caught me by surprise: when God's best for you is a person who chooses differently and it changes everything -- including you -- God has a new best for the new you.

He has met my needs with exceedingly good gifts, true comfort and clear paths. I haven't healed fully yet. When I do I will have the fearlessness and faith-led feet that the Chelsea who had never been broken had. This new me is a mystery because she is all that I knew myself to be before but she is dead. Jesus is breathing new life into these bones though. Bits and pieces of me are coming to life. The Lord is taking His time, there's no rush on deep healing. I'm not far off from the wholeness and fullness of life that restored-abiding will bring. It's going to be exciting to see who this new Chelsea turns out to be, this woman The Lord is making me into.

Opening Up //

We all have weakness, vulnerabilities, tender places and we like to keep them close and secret and protected. Walls up. Armor on. Smiles wide. We know the risk that is run if we confide, share, ask for help. Ouch. Every one of us has had brokenness. We aren't meant to stay broken + we aren't meant to travel through it alone. Christ's Body -- little healers, comforters, burden-carriers, lovers -- held fast in Love Himself, freed from ourselves to see others, are compelled to reach out, kneel down, put a hand around a shoulder and weep beside, journey with tirelessly and rejoice together in the time of freedom + wholeness + joy. We can't fix a single soul but we know Someone who can and while He's doing His work inside we get to do this work outside.

Going about my days, moving forward, healing, I've been so moved by the Body's care in my life. They don't always know what to say, sometimes they talk when silence is needed, sometimes the truth rings true but stings like peroxide in the wound, they've affirmed and confirmed and not always with word, sometimes a hand on my back or an arm wrapped around is more than enough. They haven't smothered me, shoved healing down my throat or dragged me forward, they've trusted me to the Shepherd to lead in due course and they've always been there when I reached out, when I asked for help, when I needed a shoulder to lean on. Opening up is a risk, but opening up to people lovers, in my own experience, has proved to be a little bit of mess, a lot of grace, and way more blessing than I ever imagined. In short, its worth it. And I am awfully glad I don't have to be alone in this life where trouble is promised.

Can we make sure that the people who are currently alone in their hurt come to know that they don't have to be much longer with us around? There are a lot of people with unshared stories, hidden hurts and thick walls around us. They're holding signs on the street corner, they're singing next to us in church, they live next door in suburbia, they sleep in the room down the hall, they bag your groceries, honk at you in traffic, answer your customer service calls, and go to your school. Some of them do not have anyone to trust with their fragility. If they did, they would be fully aware of the risk involved though... We will look like a risk to people, and we should know that, but lets make sure that they see that we are consistently worth it. Here's to being known by love!

Loss // week 20

I've lost something. Life doesn't stop when a dream is lost, a life is lost, a limb or a future is lost. You move forward long before you can move on. It gets easier. You adapt. You know there's more good ahead, it wasn't all left behind. Still, that doesn't mean you don't remember, don't miss, don't wish.

miscarry: (of something planned) fail to attain an intended or expected outcome.

The Enemy steals and kills and destroys. The Lord finishes what He begins. Death is powerful but the power of resurrection, of life, of restoration, revival, of fresh, new, is far greater. Darkness can't fight back light.

Comparing pain, judging loss, is pointless. Circumstances are different, we all experience hurt though. There are unanswered questions, mourned dreams, scars with stories written in them. None of this should shape our view of God. He is who He says He is and when you know His heart you don't attribute the loss or pain to Him. There are things I can't know and things I don't yet know, but what I do know is His heart. He's spelled it out for us (literally) and He confirms it to our spirits endlessly because He doesn't change.

The same Papa holds us in His abundant-life, redeeming, healing, resurrecting Hands. In the differing losses hear His heart ring true as the heart pangs of a some dear friends echo out --- read here.

I walk around + journey forward in much security. I stand in strength because my roots are sunk deep in the fathomless love + acceptance + goodness of the Beloved. I have moments I suppose amputees must also experience where you are caught up in normalcy and a sense of wholeness and then realize something is missing. Something important and irreplaceable. Something that was part of your life every day and then suddenly was not. Something -- someone -- that's another half of you, a best friend. I've lost him. Death has taken hold. That's the end. 

-- for now. Because where the Lord is, death is never the last word. I know He is not finished here. I don't know what it will look like at all I just know that new life comes next. Probably like a sun rise, slowly and then in its entirety.

 // mikayla michelle photography //

Freedom // week 19

"The Gospel sets you free from you."

The freedom to draw near the Lord, unhindered.

The freedom to hear from the Lord.

The freedom of faith to journey with Him.

The freedom that comes from sacrificing myself in order to love another well.

The freedom from earthly things that death and troubles work in us, the freedom of everlasting Life that far exceeds death and troubles and is more than enough right here, right now.

The freedom from fear. Walking free in a spirit of love, power and a sound mind.

The freedom to be offended and not take offense.

The freedom of true comfort, of inconceivable peace, of fresh mercy.

The freedom of a jealous Lover's unrelenting love.

///

My spirit is relishing freedom. My mind is wrapping around the concept of freedom. My life is taking on a visible pattern of freedom. It's a beautiful, incredible thing. In this season of life I am young, unentangled, full of dreams. There is a lot of freedom in that. Most people recognize this to be true. So I have the benefit of few expenses, few responsibilities, few ties. Oh, but it is so easy to entangle yourself. In fact it feels more natural to be tied up by much busyness, by comfort zones, by success. Freedom + faith is a road less traveled and it is not a cookie-cutter pattern you can follow, but this is what it is looking like for me.

A season of rest and refreshment at this time of my life, practically, looks like me living back at home with my family, no rent and no grocery bill, driving the same car I've always driven that is fully paid off and has an ever decreasing insurance bill. All kinds of little passions and pursuits are fitting together like a puzzle, in due time, after four years of working and waiting and wanting. The Lord is providing opportunity to launch a dream job of mine. The very day that He brought clarity to me of this dream and my heart was longing to work at it, He gave me the first gig within an hour. I went from being unemployed to being self-employed in my dream job. It's a lot of hard work and it does take time but I have the freedom of making my own schedule, of getting to travel, to create, to have my gas covered, to sit in coffee shops working and speaking life with a dear friend every week. As these gigs continue I don't have to have a full-time job so I have the freedom to take a part-time job instead, weeding at a local berry farm all summer. Two dream jobs. The first, my passion. The second, a blessing of some simple desires I had for this summer -- to work outside, to work with my hands, to dig in the dirt and see things grow.

This is my living right now and I make just enough to pay off credit card debt and set a bit aside for my next, less restful, season of life. I could get different jobs, I could seek after financial security purely, I could consume all my days with work and busyness and earnings, but I don't have to. I'm choosing not to. Why? Because having my needs met at the cost of a few hours of my week, frees me to give the rest of my time to others. I get to eat with my family, I get to see friends around their work schedules, I get to volunteer anytime, anywhere. The Lord wants to touch lives through mine and He is going to take care of my every need so I have the freedom of time and mobility to do that. And He always will. He is limitless. Let's not limit Him. As responsibilities and expenses increase, there will still be freedom because that freedom is not produced by me, its from Jesus and He desires to and delights to give it.

Meanwhile freedom is shooting fresh roots deep in the soil of my open and vulnerable heart. It's intricate and intimate work done by a Hand that knows me. I am being freed from the fear of being abandoned while traveling through the valley of the shadow, of being forsaken when death comes in life. Not physical death, just seasons of death, of loss. Life is stirring. There's a horizon in sight, though there's a long road ahead to get to it. But in the deepest, saddest, most confusing, most hurtful places He was there with me. He never left my side. We journeyed through together from the first step into the valley all the way to this point. He. Never. Left. Me. I CANNOT LOSE HIM. I'm not out of the sad and confusing and ouch, but His Love has driven out the fear. Where the Spirit of the Lord is there is freedom.

// mikayla michelle photography //

Not Understanding // week 18

I play it over and over again, analyzing everything I can remember from all imaginable angles. It doesn't help. I don't understand what happened. Way more questions than answers come out of the process. Rest and peace prevail because I'm overshadowed by Love but there are overwhelmingly sad moments, there is heart-breaking confusion, and pain that feels bigger than truth at times.

I don't know where "we" are at. "You and I both like to have 'for sure' answers and solutions, but I don't have any for this right now." -- Zachary, the last time we skyped when he leveled with me. I've had a month's worth of time to process and he's had a month's worth of undistracted time to finish school. He hasn't had time to process. Even now he doesn't have time to. He has graduated but he's taking one final two-week class. From there he's going wherever he is going to do whatever he has decided to do. I have no clue what or where that is. Months of doing life together and going through all the mess and joy and dreams and stresses of each other's lives together, offering wisdom to help make choices and encouraging each other toward where they're feeling led, it's very unnatural to be so out of the loop. I miss sharing excitement and understanding tiredness, praying for pain and asking for forgiveness. I miss well-wishes for the work day ahead and just the simple greeting of a best friend's words in the morning.

I want to know, want to understand, but for now I just get to feel and be present. Answers will come,  life will come, purpose + promise is being worked out even now. It's not time to move on. Moving forward with every fresh morning, facing all the fears + hurts + wants that come with them, that's what this time is for. I'm covered, I'm carried. The story isn't finished. "Part One" began with a van pulling up to a curb in Denver and ended with a "bye for now" text and a wink. Life doesn't play out in black and white, its far more grey. Time unfolds the story in bits and pieces, steps and stages. We grow and change and journey on. Zachary and I traveled the road side-by-side though separate for months. I feel like we are still journeying together though silence stays between us. I just wish I could know the story happening on his side. Hoping that in time I'll get to hear it. We are following a God who reconciles, restores, redeems, rebuilds, and resurrects after all. He turns mourning into dancing. #gloriousunfolding

I don't understand, 
but one day I will.

// mikayla michelle photography //

Joy comes // week 17

In less than twelve hours my best friend is graduating from college. I've been celebrating it all week, celebrating through the tears and the laughter, the rain and the art, the lazy mornings and late nights, the work outs and the music of my day-to-day. I'm so proud of him. I only knew him for one of his four years in school so it may seem like I'm not even entitled to say I'm proud of his accomplishment, but I am. So, here's to you. Congratulations, Mister!

I was falling asleep with such sweet dreams when a very vivid memory of my phone lighting up with a goodnight text from Zachary every night for nine months flashed across my vision and my heart broke + I lost him all over again. My sleepy, peaceful smile faded into heart-racking sobs, the kind that leave you wheezing, eyes puffed up and head throbbing. A whole month of unbroken silence between us and it's no more natural to not talk to him now than it was on the first day. I rest in the promise that my Jesus sees, He knows, and not one tear or moment of this season will be wasted. Not a single one. Weeping may endure for a night but joy comes in the morning.

Of growth //

"Turbulence doesn't scare me."

"You trust the plane."

///

The turbulence of life doesn't scare me like it once did. I used to dread the unknown so much that I hated it. Dragged through the twists and turns of life kicking and screaming and trying like mad to make the ducks line up in a straight, type-A row. I needed to know, I needed a say, I needed some control of this ride.

The story of my life is Perfect Love driving out fear, jealously + relentlessly. The story of my life is awakening to the freedom for which I was set free. The story of my life is how discovering my true identity released me from being an alphabetizing, organizing, controlling, neat-freak. Messy-haired, risk-taking, challenge-embracing, life-living, deep-feeling, over-analyzing me is marked by illogical peace, unconditional love, strength through vulnerability and foolish grace.

I used to be driven to desperation apart from my temporal + fleeting security. Then the One my soul loves showed me Who, not what, holds me secure. freedom. He draws me and I come as close as my trust will allow me to. I take another glimpse of Him and the resistance falls. He draws me again and I draw nearer still. Perfect Love driving out fear day after day, year after year. This has been happening for 21 years.

His timing is perfect. How the unfolding glory of Jesus living in me finds me perfectly weak + dependent but also exactly as strong as I need to be for each season He brings me to is beyond me. I know stress. I know pain. I know loneliness. I know sadness. There is trouble in this world. My heart is breakable. My body is too. Yet I am beyond despair. Death is a tool of mercy in the hand of my God. Fruitful branches are cut back, pruned, that they might become even more bountiful.

For which cause we faint not; but though our outward man perish, yet the inward man is renewed day by day. For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory; // 2 corinthians 4:16-17

 "Heart-break changes us," my Mom said. Pain, loss, death -- changes us. Sifted through His loving hands it changes us for the good though. It's tests, tries, refines. It doesn't unsettle Him. He is sure and in Him I am secure. So trouble has it's way and my faith stands unshaken and a little more of my weakness is changed into strength and how I'm unarguably carried through the fires testifies life and truth to on-lookers. My heart knows His heart better through each passing season and the witnesses see it.

See, the story of our life isn't success + failure, it's growth.

Fresh Vision // week 16

Getting fresh vision and purpose. There are bright things ahead, good things. I'm hopeful and excited. A new place to go, new dreams to pursue and new horizons to move toward.
Just today I'm getting a fresh vision of my season here though and my heart is breaking apart all over again. The past few weeks have just been mourning the loss of the near future I anticipated and the loss of my day-in and day-out very best friend. Just now I'm realizing that the "bye til graduation" break in communication may actually have meant just plain-old "goodbye". He may never be back. That doesn't make sense to me and we didn't get a real goodbye so there's no closure. It's just a wide open wound and I re-lose him all the time. It seems he can live without me though... If that's true, when I can manage to let go, I'll have to learn to live without him too.

Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts. — Winston Churchill

I know you all want to see me heal but it's going to be a long, long road and trying to rush the process won't work. I'm very tender right now and will pull back to protect my hurting heart if it feels unsafe. If you can just trust the process and just journey the road with me without answers or solutions that's all the help I need. Thank you for your prayers. I'm not afraid of this pain. I'm not camping out in it. I am moving forward, even if I'm not quite ready to move on. This is developing me and I don't want to rush through it.

We felt we had received the sentence of death. That was to make us rely not on us but on God who raises the dead.               || 2 Corinthians 1:9

Coping // week 15

How I am journeying through these days of mourning, resting and waiting for fresh vision + passion.


1. working out
it's, like, the one thing I knew I wanted when the rest of what I wanted got stripped away. it's the one thing I feel like doing everyday. it channels my emotionally-charged energies, silences my over-analyzing brain and keeps me sharp so I don't slip into numbness.
note: quite unexpectedly I also feel like dancing, a lot. if only I knew a place to go and had a partner...

2. sleep
the other thing I look forward to every day. i don't sleep well and don't have much chance of sleeping in, typically waking up at 7:30am thanks to my stress-levels hijacking control of my internal alarm clock, but when I go to bed, I get fresh permission to rest -- mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually.

3. crying + laughing
for someone who, until recent months, simply would not cry (I had a major wall up) this one is huge. for me, part of fearlessness is crying. whether I'm sobbing alone or am with others and the tears just stream down like a leak I can't contain, being vulnerable has been an important part of mourning, processing and resting in the midst of it all.
sad underneath doesn't mean I don't also break into huge smiles or belly laugh. in fact, I find myself doing both pretty regularly. giving myself permission to laugh when I feel like it even though I'm sad has been a really good move.

4. time with friends
i have not even been tempted to hide away and isolate myself through this. resting has meant staying home a lot of the time but even then, momma has been by my side. my friends have been so understanding and caring, I've really been overwhelmed with gratitude that I have the love of the Body in this season.

5. reading
restful. accomplishable. quiet. gives my mind something to work on that isn't futile (like over-thinking everything) and somewhere to go while I rest from my own adventures + wait for the next ones.

6. watching sad movies + listening to sad songs
i'm one of the weird people who embraces the sad and wants to feel it deeply rather than running away from it. the time for grand adventure and happy-go-lucky will return someday, I want to be here now.

7. processing
journaling of course. talking with trusted friends. hearing their wisdom. praying without end.

8. hugs
wordless comfort + support in touch. 'nough said.

9. fighting
to not put my guard up, that is, but instead stay vulnerable + brave. fighting for whole Chelsea to stand strong and not go back into hiding.

10. permission
to rest, to mourn, to dream, to be confused, to remember fondly, to be brave, to miss, to be weak, to rejoice in my Peace.

bonus: beverages
when I get emotional, preoccupied or stressed my appetite becomes unreliable and my stomach unsettled. mom is making sure I eat plenty but I'm keeping hydrated all on my own. well, not true, mom often brings me a cup of coffee, but other than that. water. coffee. tea. smoothie. iced chai. wine. beer. margarita. pink lemonade flavored coconut water. none of them are used to bring comfort or fill an empty feeling (read: fret not, I drink responsibly. I don't know how much you'd need to drink to have the fleeting earthly peace alcohol is said to bring but Jesus' perfect peace comes way faster and doesn't wear off. preach!), they just are what they are and, as they don't make my tummy churn, I'm happy.

// I'm okay, guys, just sad. It'll pass but it's where I am now and that's okay, in fact there is purpose in it. It's making me even more into the woman I'm created to be, purifying + solidifying the bits of whole Chelsea that have been unveiled in the past nine months while doing life with my bestest friend. It's good. In fact, I'm grateful for it. This isn't how I would have written my story, but it's part of it now and, to tell you the truth, I've always loved a little tragedy in a story. holding out for a redemptive finish.

“We all pretend for a while or for a lifetime. But pretending is not living...I believe that God meant for life to take our breath away, sometimes because of the sheer joy of it all and sometimes because of the severe pain. To choose living over pretending means that we will know both.” 

― Angela Thomas

Once again, special thanks to Mikayla for being brave with me and capturing 

the sincere emotions of this season of my life.

Rest // week 14

I don't understand how we got to where we are. The confusion, the unanswered questions and the logical assumptions hurt. The Lord is guarding my heart and won't allow the hurt to go as deeply as it could. He won't let fear and doubt and lies warp my identity. He keeps showing me who I am in Him. I find rest here.

Regardless of how long, whether for a season or forever, I've lost Zachary for, it is sad. I'm in mourning over it. The Lord cries with me and doesn't shame me at all for mourning, there is a time and place for it. There's no rush for me to be happy again. I can just be sad. I find rest here.

I'm not where I thought I was going, and I know there is a purpose behind that. I am where I am for such a time as this. I'm here to rest and I'm here to touch other broken hearts; to look in their eyes and let them know they are seen, to wrap an arm around them and sit in ache together, to bring rest to weary souls through spoken truth and to encourage vulnerability by simply loving. I find rest here.

I am tired from traveling and loving well. Permission comes: Rest.

As my head stops spinning and the hurt sinks in and I mourn, I'm still resting.

I am emotionally tired and numbness is setting in and I'd rather be sad than feel so blank. Invitation comes: Rest.

I don't know what will happen next or where I am supposed to go or what I am supposed to do. He will show me when it's time. Now is the time for rest.

My heart aches and strives for it's desires. Jesus sees, He knows. He says I've done the work needed for right now and just to rest and let Him accomplish the work that He started.

There is rest here. The practical rest of being at home and Mom looking after me, of friends and family understanding the emotional toll being taken on my body and giving me permission to take it easy, of not having a job currently, of sleeping in on mornings that I need it. But there is a spiritual rest found in the Lord's presence that I find no matter where I am or how I'm feeling or what the circumstances are. Comfort is found in Him. Rest and peace and strength overshadowing my weakness, all in Him. When I was adventuring and stressed and lonely, I had this rest. As I'm confused and sad and hopeful, I have this rest. My weakness is a blessing, it is my strength. Being the weaker vessel is incredibly beautiful. Needing my Husband -- having continual cause to press into Him more, to know Him more and realize a greater depth of how He knows me, to receive His strength and offer my beauty -- is beautiful.

I stand in this: I am His, He is mine.

I have Him. Whatever comes. // "my soul will rest in Your embrace"

Thank you, Mikayla for being brave with me and capturing the sincere emotions of this season of my life.

A time for mourning //

And he began to teach them, that the Son of man must suffer many things, and be rejected of the elders, and of the chief priests, and scribes, and be killed, and after three days rise again. (Mark 8:31) Saying, The Son of man must suffer many things, and be rejected of the elders and chief priests and scribes, and be slain, and be raised the third day. (Luke 9:22) Saying, The Son of man must be delivered into the hands of sinful men, and be crucified, and the third day rise again. (Luke 24:7)

He told them. Time and again. He taught it to them. But they did not understand. 

some things you can hear but simply not understand without the Spirit.

They fought the crucifixion. They mourned his death. They couldn't comprehend the resurrection.

Mary poured out her life's worth on the Lord and He praised her for it, for preparing His body for burial (John 12:3-8) although He knew He would only be in the grave for three days. He had a very intentional final meal with His disciples (Luke 22:7-20) and then He was eating with them again days later. He prayed so earnestly out of His agony that He sweat blood (Luke 22:44). Mary Magdalene sat outside the grave and wept for the double loss, first of His life, but then of His body (John 20:11-15).

And then He rose. Just like He said He would. 

And the sincere mourning made the rejoicing so much sweeter.

What Love Looks Like // week 13

I've never participated in Lent before. This year the soil of my heart was prepared, I was willing. On Ash Wednesday the Lord asked me to give up my expectation of Zachary loving me. For the past eight weeks the Lord has led me through a release of my expectations (it was a bigger stronghold than I realized. Zachary was the one who graciously called me out on looking to him as a head too soon, before we were in a committed relationship.) and into an even more intentional practice of loving sacrificially. Taking me through 1 Corinthians 13, showing me only He can require such love from a person and its never given out of obligation but out of joy. This is how He wants us to love each other, but such love is compelled by knowing His love and loving Him first, foremost. That's how I usually operate but He knew with my mistake of beginning to lean on Zachary too soon, I was losing my sharply tuned ear to His heart. Lent was how He has regained it.

At the beginning of this week, on the nine month mark of our wild + wonderful relationship Zachary broke up with me. We said "goodbye for now" and cut off all communication. One week prior to that I was living in his Mom's house, applying for summer jobs, thinking we were headed toward a committed relationship in the upcoming months. A season of so much work, joyful work, the type of toil I want to do every day of my life because sacrificing for another person is so worth the effort, I expected to be followed with a season of excitement. Jesus knew better. The work He has been accomplishing within Zachary and I through each other's friendship over the past nine months is finished. Right now we aren't the tools needed in each other's lives to complete what the Lord wants done. He's taking over from here, solo. I take that back, He's using the Body at large as well in each of our lives. He's removed us from each other, we're leaning into Him -- hard (because though He is so enough, its hard to lose someone so dear and so close), and He's ministering to every little place that needs it by His Spirit and His Body.

Zachary wasn't only unprepared to commit to a relationship headed toward marriage, he wasn't sure what he wanted, or who. That's completely fair. I can't change that. For nine months I've known that I couldn't. Whatever the point of my being sure of what/who I wanted and prepared to commit to (so much so that I jumped the gun and started to operate under a mentality of commitment that we hadn't gotten to yet) and led to sacrifice so much so joyfully for it was, the Lord knows. I know nothing is wasted. I know I would do it all over again, knowing the outcome would be an end rather than a beginning. Zachary is the best friend of my life and he is worth it all -- unconditionally.

Jesus has given me a season of rest. He has shown me how He desires me to be loved, He satisfies my heart's deep places, He's overshadowing me and telling me to rest easy and let Him do what He is doing. No plans. No stress. No striving. Just rest, refreshment and fresh vision + passion for what He has in store. I smile and laugh at memories of Zachary, I mourn the loss of memories I hoped to make with him, and I rest secure knowing that the same steady, faithful, healing Hand that holds my life, holds his too.

This week's meditation on my Lent journey is 1 Corinthians 13:7 >>  

"Love bears up under anything and everything that comes, 

is ever ready to believe the best of every person, 

its hopes are fadeless under all circumstances, 

and it endures everything [without weakening]."

Give it time // week 12

It was a whirlwind weekend. Heads are still spinning, emotions are still out of whack. Zach and I Skyped like usual on Friday night and he told me he had felt convicted to call my Dad the week before. Their conversation revealed some selfishness in both Zachary and I and led Zach to level with me concerning his consideration of officially beginning a relationship with me. Staying at his mom's house was a way to give it time, a good place to wait for a few months until he was settled into his career pursuits and new lifestyle and prepared to bring anyone in as a part of it. He wanted me close, wanted to hold on to me while he figured things out but as he knew it was going to be longer than I was planning on before he'd be ready, and that once he was ready he wasn't sure he'd want to be in a relationship at all, he had to level with me on that, it was only fair. He knew that I would probably go home once I knew, and that the distance would resume and the "us" I was holding my breath for I would have to stop holding my breath for for now. That feels like letting go of me for him, feels like losing me, and that's scary.
Having it made perfectly clear to me that it could be anywhere from 6mo-2yrs before he would be prepared to begin a relationship, if he chose to pursue anyone at all, was the death of my anticipated hope that once he graduated, certainly by the end of the summer, we'd be "us". I had to step back, had to remove myself from a position of waiting expectantly and give him space to figure things out. Up to two years, just for a chance -- that changes my whole future, sends my world spinning. I needed space to settle into a new season and ride out the emotions that arose from this change. I needed to go home. I didn't want to drive 18hrs... I've been traveling so much and am so sick of making long drives alone. Dad and a co-worker were picking up a plane in Florida and flying it home for someone the day after Zachary and I talked. I asked if I could get a ride, thinking it'd be later in the week and I'd have time to process more with Zach's mom and maybe see him in person again before leaving. They said yes but to stay ahead of weather they were flying back that day and I'd have to be in Ohio in a few hours. Sudden. Abrupt. Jarring. I packed as much as I could into my car in two hours and drove away, leaving my most precious keepsakes and flowers behind to pick up when I come back in May for Zach's graduation. It was so fast and crazy but I did not want to have to drive the whole way home so I wasn't going to miss this chance. In Ohio Dad took my car the 8hr drive home and I flew the 3hr flight home with his co-worker. 24hrs after Zachary and I talked, and hadn't even determined a good way to move forward as friends for now, I was back at home in Wisconsin. I didn't tell anyone I was coming. I'm still not telling people. I don't want anyone to know. I don't want to hear their questions and have to explain. I don't want them to try and help and have that end up hurting instead. Give it time. Zachary needs time to figure out where he is going and if I fit. I need time to figure out how to give it time.

Hope Spoken >> take aways

I'm not going to elaborate, I'm just going to state the things being sealed on my heart by the Spirit. If you've come by for a cup of sugar, please, take all you need! I'd be happy to talk more about any of these points with you.

Behold Me. 
+ drink deeply of My love

Finding identity in His Favor & Freedom.

Graciously and firmly instructed: Travel light.

Your weakness is your strength.

Variety in the Body is full of purpose -- marvelous, marvelous purpose.

People Matter. The "one" matters.

Our brokenness is redeemed, worked together for our good; suffering is a blessing given by the Giver of Good, a mercy lavished to provide the true Comfort we long for. Having my eyes opened to this, never before has my uncomely King looked more majestic, never before have I been so in love.

How beautiful are the 

blistered and dirt-caked feet 

of those who bring the Good News 

of hope.

Finding balance //

Rest. Relax. Refresh.
I'm not the only one who needs to be given permission to do this, am I? Do you wait for it too? Ever since I got real sick from too much stress I've gotten brave enough to give myself permission but I still like to get it from people in my life. Not pity permission, "Oh honey! You owe it to yourself to put your feet up!", but just a simple desire for my best, reminders to slow down and affirmation for finding balance.

Finding balance. It's a big-kid thing. It's a pairing of dreams and hard work, of saving and splurging, time management and spontaneity. Our God knows the balance. He insists that working diligently rather than being lazy is in our best interest. He also makes rest a necessary blessing.

Talking to Momma on the phone the other day she was affirming me for my bravery in operating in a constant state of out-of-my-comfort-zone over the past three months. I've been living in the land of adventure, facing new challenges and making discoveries, solving problems and taking care of "all the things" in my independent-21-year-old life. It takes diligence and fearlessness and a lot of grace, for those around me and for myself.

I packed up my New Jersey home and dove straight into a week of travels and conferences. When they finished I gave myself permission to sleep in and turn in early for bed but my back and legs, still aching from toting my luggage through several airports in a short weekend, weren't rested, they were put to work rearranging furniture (some that was quite heavy and I got scolded lovingly for for moving on my own), cleaning my new abode (dubbed the "Gypsy den" by Zachary as it is another temporary nest for this crazy traveling gal), and unpacking all my belongings. Yesterday I worked for nine hours straight getting things settled. I nearly fell asleep on the couch watching Chopped at 8:30pm and decided to go to bed early. Zach was on the same page.
Zachary: Well I am off to bed. Hoping for a full nights rest.
Me: Same. Haven't slept well in like a week.
Zachary: Yeah its prob bc you havent been sitting still much. From NY - PA - OH - TX.
Me: True.
Zachary: Just relax some.
Me: Thanks :)

Permission. Today I have a fridge to scrub and a grocery list calling my name but rather than diving headlong into it all I'm starting with some relaxing, listening to jazz music and drinking my English breakfast tea in bed, becoming acquainted with the way the sunshine streams in the windows here. That's what balance looks like today.

Affirming + Reflecting // week 11

MONDAY + TUESDAY
I had the opportunity to join Zachary and a bus full of other BBC students for a conference on church growth at Northridge Church in Rochester, NY last week. A good conference is one of my favorite things. I loved school and I still love to learn. Conferences allow me the opportunity to pack in a lot of education on very specific topics along side other people of a similar focus in a short amount of time. I have never gone to one with someone I knew, in fact rarely have I even known people who will be at them, so it was a new and delightful to share the conference experience with Zachary. We found ourselves resonating with the familiar ideas presented to us at 16:5, found ourselves saying, "They think how I think!", and rather than coming away with new information we were simply affirmed in our current vision and direction. Encouraging and invigorating, it certainly fueled the flame for future ministry that the Lord has put within us.

WEDNESDAY + THURSDAY
My car full of belongings was parked at BBC while we were over in Rochester. When we got back I drove it to my new home in Wallaceton, PA. Zachary's mom has the gift of hospitality and when she heard my host home had fallen through she opened her own home up to me and invited me to consider it my home indefinitely. Wednesday was too cold to unpack my car, affording me a day to rest and reflect on the conference. With the wind dying down and the sun coming out the following day it only took three loads to get everything unpacked and moved into the side of the house I'll be living in.

FRIDAY - SUNDAY
Flying to Dallas early in the morning on Friday to attend Hope Spoken. A two hour wait for a shuttle ride provided time to relax in the humidity and shade of a lovely Texas day. As I had done for the Influence conference, I connected with some gals I had never met before over Twitter and we booked a hotel room together for the conference. The three of us were able to chill in our room and share stories for two hours before registration began. I had anticipated recognizing a lot more attendees than I did and the sense of community established through shared experiences like these looked different for me than it did for my roommates. We were assigned to a small group and, excepting one other girl, were the only individuals in the group that hadn't come with a friend. Dynamics for connecting change so much when you come in pairs rather than independently. I've found that connecting with people is pretty simple if you're brave enough to get a little vulnerable, all it takes is sharing your story and being curious to hear about theirs.

The Lord had spoken something to my soul Thursday night that He built on, rooted deeply and sealed during Hope Spoken. Similar to Zachary's and my experience at 16:5, much of what was shared at Hope Spoken was familiar to me. It wasn't because I had heard the speaker's stories before, because I hadn't, and it wasn't because the truths spoken were elementary, they were actually deeply profound in the most simplistic ways, it was the heart behind them, the hope within them, the common thread of Jesus throughout them that is so familiar to my soul. The Lord spoke a lot to me during the weekend. I found myself withdrawing to journal frequently. The women I felt most akin to and connected the most naturally and deeply with over the weekend were the speakers. I watched Jesus breathe life into hundreds of women's hurts and brokenness and it was beautiful. I took 30sec of embarrassing bravery and obeyed when He gave me specific words of affirmation to deliver to the musicians who shared their gifts and led us in worship. I sat in the sunshine and I went in the pool. In my soul was the calm of deep waters and whether at the conference, in the airport or settling in back in Wallaceton, I knew He'd be continuing the work He'd begun. I was happy to be there. I was happy to come home.

As an added treat I was able to connect for lunch with an old classmate of mine who lives in Dallas. Sharing the visions that the Lord is casting for each of us and the ways He's led us along since we parted ways four years ago was refreshing and invigorating. A culmination of 16:5, Hope Spoken and my life in the land of adventure, I flew home mentally sharpened and emotionally refreshed but physically very tired. My voice is almost gone so today I'm not processing, just reflecting + resting.