Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Give it time // week 12

It was a whirlwind weekend. Heads are still spinning, emotions are still out of whack. Zach and I Skyped like usual on Friday night and he told me he had felt convicted to call my Dad the week before. Their conversation revealed some selfishness in both Zachary and I and led Zach to level with me concerning his consideration of officially beginning a relationship with me. Staying at his mom's house was a way to give it time, a good place to wait for a few months until he was settled into his career pursuits and new lifestyle and prepared to bring anyone in as a part of it. He wanted me close, wanted to hold on to me while he figured things out but as he knew it was going to be longer than I was planning on before he'd be ready, and that once he was ready he wasn't sure he'd want to be in a relationship at all, he had to level with me on that, it was only fair. He knew that I would probably go home once I knew, and that the distance would resume and the "us" I was holding my breath for I would have to stop holding my breath for for now. That feels like letting go of me for him, feels like losing me, and that's scary.
Having it made perfectly clear to me that it could be anywhere from 6mo-2yrs before he would be prepared to begin a relationship, if he chose to pursue anyone at all, was the death of my anticipated hope that once he graduated, certainly by the end of the summer, we'd be "us". I had to step back, had to remove myself from a position of waiting expectantly and give him space to figure things out. Up to two years, just for a chance -- that changes my whole future, sends my world spinning. I needed space to settle into a new season and ride out the emotions that arose from this change. I needed to go home. I didn't want to drive 18hrs... I've been traveling so much and am so sick of making long drives alone. Dad and a co-worker were picking up a plane in Florida and flying it home for someone the day after Zachary and I talked. I asked if I could get a ride, thinking it'd be later in the week and I'd have time to process more with Zach's mom and maybe see him in person again before leaving. They said yes but to stay ahead of weather they were flying back that day and I'd have to be in Ohio in a few hours. Sudden. Abrupt. Jarring. I packed as much as I could into my car in two hours and drove away, leaving my most precious keepsakes and flowers behind to pick up when I come back in May for Zach's graduation. It was so fast and crazy but I did not want to have to drive the whole way home so I wasn't going to miss this chance. In Ohio Dad took my car the 8hr drive home and I flew the 3hr flight home with his co-worker. 24hrs after Zachary and I talked, and hadn't even determined a good way to move forward as friends for now, I was back at home in Wisconsin. I didn't tell anyone I was coming. I'm still not telling people. I don't want anyone to know. I don't want to hear their questions and have to explain. I don't want them to try and help and have that end up hurting instead. Give it time. Zachary needs time to figure out where he is going and if I fit. I need time to figure out how to give it time.

1 comment:

  1. You're so brave, even if you don't always feel that way. I admire you!