1. working out
it's, like, the one thing I knew I wanted when the rest of what I wanted got stripped away. it's the one thing I feel like doing everyday. it channels my emotionally-charged energies, silences my over-analyzing brain and keeps me sharp so I don't slip into numbness.
note: quite unexpectedly I also feel like dancing, a lot. if only I knew a place to go and had a partner...
2. sleep
the other thing I look forward to every day. i don't sleep well and don't have much chance of sleeping in, typically waking up at 7:30am thanks to my stress-levels hijacking control of my internal alarm clock, but when I go to bed, I get fresh permission to rest -- mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually.
3. crying + laughing
for someone who, until recent months, simply would not cry (I had a major wall up) this one is huge. for me, part of fearlessness is crying. whether I'm sobbing alone or am with others and the tears just stream down like a leak I can't contain, being vulnerable has been an important part of mourning, processing and resting in the midst of it all.
sad underneath doesn't mean I don't also break into huge smiles or belly laugh. in fact, I find myself doing both pretty regularly. giving myself permission to laugh when I feel like it even though I'm sad has been a really good move.
4. time with friends
i have not even been tempted to hide away and isolate myself through this. resting has meant staying home a lot of the time but even then, momma has been by my side. my friends have been so understanding and caring, I've really been overwhelmed with gratitude that I have the love of the Body in this season.
5. reading
restful. accomplishable. quiet. gives my mind something to work on that isn't futile (like over-thinking everything) and somewhere to go while I rest from my own adventures + wait for the next ones.
6. watching sad movies + listening to sad songs
i'm one of the weird people who embraces the sad and wants to feel it deeply rather than running away from it. the time for grand adventure and happy-go-lucky will return someday, I want to be here now.
7. processing
journaling of course. talking with trusted friends. hearing their wisdom. praying without end.
8. hugs
wordless comfort + support in touch. 'nough said.
9. fighting
to not put my guard up, that is, but instead stay vulnerable + brave. fighting for whole Chelsea to stand strong and not go back into hiding.
10. permission
to rest, to mourn, to dream, to be confused, to remember fondly, to be brave, to miss, to be weak, to rejoice in my Peace.
bonus: beverages
when I get emotional, preoccupied or stressed my appetite becomes unreliable and my stomach unsettled. mom is making sure I eat plenty but I'm keeping hydrated all on my own. well, not true, mom often brings me a cup of coffee, but other than that. water. coffee. tea. smoothie. iced chai. wine. beer. margarita. pink lemonade flavored coconut water. none of them are used to bring comfort or fill an empty feeling (read: fret not, I drink responsibly. I don't know how much you'd need to drink to have the fleeting earthly peace alcohol is said to bring but Jesus' perfect peace comes way faster and doesn't wear off. preach!), they just are what they are and, as they don't make my tummy churn, I'm happy.
// I'm okay, guys, just sad. It'll pass but it's where I am now and that's okay, in fact there is purpose in it. It's making me even more into the woman I'm created to be, purifying + solidifying the bits of whole Chelsea that have been unveiled in the past nine months while doing life with my bestest friend. It's good. In fact, I'm grateful for it. This isn't how I would have written my story, but it's part of it now and, to tell you the truth, I've always loved a little tragedy in a story. holding out for a redemptive finish.
“We all pretend for a while or for a lifetime. But pretending is not living...I believe that God meant for life to take our breath away, sometimes because of the sheer joy of it all and sometimes because of the severe pain. To choose living over pretending means that we will know both.”
― Angela Thomas
Once again, special thanks to Mikayla for being brave with me and capturing
the sincere emotions of this season of my life.
you are brave.
ReplyDeletethanks for sharing your story