I knew her //

The little girl Chelsea, who had long brown hair and bangs, who snuggled kittens and held her baby brother proudly -- I knew her. The long-limbed Chelsea who was constantly sketching and begging for a dog -- I knew her. The self-taught high school Chelsea with pulled-back frizzy hair and stacks of filled journals -- I knew her. I knew the Chelsea that hungered for righteousness so much she was willing to move across the country to attended a discipleship program when she was just seventeen. The Chelsea who was terrified of the vulnerability of traveling alone but within two years of her first plane ride alone was flying half way around the world to visit orphanages in India -- I knew her. I knew the Chelsea who worked in an office and homeschooled her siblings, the Chelsea who bought a Little House and remodeled it, the Chelsea who helped to lead a mission trip to Denver and led a small group for Junior girls. The invested-in-the-journey, held by Love Himself, full of peace Chelsea who had a best friend named Zachary -- I knew her. Growth and change occurs with age but nothing has so altered my life before that I no longer understood the woman who was left after the fact. Heart break changes you. I'm not the same woman I used to be. I'm still figuring out this new Chelsea.

Identity has been on my heart, in my prayers, echoing in my mind. I had grown up into a lifestyle of uninterrupted abiding in the Lord. The break up really didn't change that, the months of silence didn't either. The Lord was leading me through faithfully, navigating the way to His best in every situation. He had been hearing my prayers. He knew my need and promised His provision was coming. The day His best meant letting go and moving on from Zachary was the day my abiding was interrupted by pain. Fear and doubt and hurt questioned the Love that I'd only ever seen to be unfailing and good all my days, through the messiest of messes and the hardest of times. I really hadn't had someone else's choices change my life so directly before and I didn't understand it, didn't get that there wasn't a safe-guard against such uninvited alterations. Jesus revealed truths to me about the harmony to be found between free will and His unchanging nature in that time and here's the thing that caught me by surprise: when God's best for you is a person who chooses differently and it changes everything -- including you -- God has a new best for the new you.

He has met my needs with exceedingly good gifts, true comfort and clear paths. I haven't healed fully yet. When I do I will have the fearlessness and faith-led feet that the Chelsea who had never been broken had. This new me is a mystery because she is all that I knew myself to be before but she is dead. Jesus is breathing new life into these bones though. Bits and pieces of me are coming to life. The Lord is taking His time, there's no rush on deep healing. I'm not far off from the wholeness and fullness of life that restored-abiding will bring. It's going to be exciting to see who this new Chelsea turns out to be, this woman The Lord is making me into.