Monday, May 12, 2014

Not Understanding // week 18

I play it over and over again, analyzing everything I can remember from all imaginable angles. It doesn't help. I don't understand what happened. Way more questions than answers come out of the process. Rest and peace prevail because I'm overshadowed by Love but there are overwhelmingly sad moments, there is heart-breaking confusion, and pain that feels bigger than truth at times.

I don't know where "we" are at. "You and I both like to have 'for sure' answers and solutions, but I don't have any for this right now." -- Zachary, the last time we skyped when he leveled with me. I've had a month's worth of time to process and he's had a month's worth of undistracted time to finish school. He hasn't had time to process. Even now he doesn't have time to. He has graduated but he's taking one final two-week class. From there he's going wherever he is going to do whatever he has decided to do. I have no clue what or where that is. Months of doing life together and going through all the mess and joy and dreams and stresses of each other's lives together, offering wisdom to help make choices and encouraging each other toward where they're feeling led, it's very unnatural to be so out of the loop. I miss sharing excitement and understanding tiredness, praying for pain and asking for forgiveness. I miss well-wishes for the work day ahead and just the simple greeting of a best friend's words in the morning.

I want to know, want to understand, but for now I just get to feel and be present. Answers will come,  life will come, purpose + promise is being worked out even now. It's not time to move on. Moving forward with every fresh morning, facing all the fears + hurts + wants that come with them, that's what this time is for. I'm covered, I'm carried. The story isn't finished. "Part One" began with a van pulling up to a curb in Denver and ended with a "bye for now" text and a wink. Life doesn't play out in black and white, its far more grey. Time unfolds the story in bits and pieces, steps and stages. We grow and change and journey on. Zachary and I traveled the road side-by-side though separate for months. I feel like we are still journeying together though silence stays between us. I just wish I could know the story happening on his side. Hoping that in time I'll get to hear it. We are following a God who reconciles, restores, redeems, rebuilds, and resurrects after all. He turns mourning into dancing. #gloriousunfolding

I don't understand, 
but one day I will.


  1. I happened to read this and I can attest to those experiences. Its great that your honest and hopeful. Its our patience that proves our faith.

  2. Prayers for you today - love you, dear.