Monday, February 18, 2013

At the end of the day.

Health. I haven't been 100% healthy in over a year now. It's been one thing after another. I'm sick of it -- no pun intended. In India I was unhealthy the whole time but I was there to do a job and I wasn't going to let health issues keep me from doing that job. As miserable as I was I kept happy, the joy of The Lord truly was my strength through the entire trip. Now that I'm home, living everyday life, having the freedom to be sick without having it interrupt much, I sulk. I feel robbed of my entitlement to health. I'm an American and I ought to have health and prosperity and happiness! Hmm... Maybe not. The geography of where I was born and raised doesn't entitle me to wellness, it simple makes the chance of health more likely.
Most of the time no one can tell I feel unwell from my appearance but even if they could there wouldn't be anything they could do to help. When you're at the end of your rope though, when you're so weary and unwell that every little thing is a labor and no one can see it so they push and prod and demand and insist as usual, eventually you lose it. That's what I've been living with for over a year now, losing it. There must be something for me to learn in this.
I've had this subconscious feeling that The Lord is training me for difficult times ahead, something like climbing a mountain... dealing with high altitudes and really hard work. When I am strained to the point where even the most simple actions are hard work, what will I draw on in order to respond? I've had a lot of experience drawing on myself in those moments. I've been homeschooling my youngest siblings and I can tell you that when I draw on my own "strength" I respond with impatience, frustration, insensitivity and crankiness. But the experience I had during my two weeks sick and strained abroad showed me that when I draw on The Lord for strength I respond with peace, patience, great joy, and love for others. I'm not entitled to health but I am entitled, by the blood of my Lord, to strength and joy to face a lack of it. Each day I get to choose where to draw my strength from.
Consider the strains that weigh on you day in and day out. What do you find yourself drawing on to face them?

1 comment:

  1. Chels, I was thinking of you and this post yesterday morning when I was driving to work and the song Worn by Tenth Avenue North came on. I'm sad that you're not feeling your best. Praying for health and for sanctification in the weakness for you, friend!