Processing the past few days, pondering the future, trying to keep the plans for the present straight. Conference call for my mission trip to India tonight (I'm so afraid I'm going to forget all about it... again), last minute planning of what we need to buy for groceries and what I will wear tomorrow (it's my 20th birthday!), waiting to hear back from the teacher I am subbing for on Tuesday at the homeschool co-op, so glad I packed for the Influence conference two weeks ago so that I can have a day to catch my breath on Wednesday before getting in the car early on Thursday and heading to Indiana.
The days and years roll on like the green hills that I call home and the waves from my childhood home and favorite places to visit. I like change like that, a slow pace that gives you time to savor every step and warm up to the new, a steady pace that allows you to linger here and there along the way but doesn't let you grow stagnant. Meditating on the beauty of this truth, "For everything there is a season and a time for every purpose under heaven." Resting in the hands of the God who created seasons and waves and hills and knows every crevice of my heart and life.
11am, haven't moved, pictures are edited and being uploaded to various social media sites. Yellow leaves falling through the sky and blowing past my top-story window. Jenny & Tyler still playing in the background, hot air still blowing through the vent beneath my bed-side table, feet getting sticky and warm from being under the fleece blanket, really ready to have a nice cup of tea now that I've recalled the many mugs of fragrant liquid I consumed during our Holiday by the lake.
Remembering today all the movies I loved as a child (the Little Princess, the Secret Garden, Heidi, Misty, Black Beauty, and the classic Disney movies) and the year that I set out to read one piece of classic literature per week, and did it for months, but not the whole year. Thinking about how the things that you experience as a child play a big part in shaping you into the adult you become. I've considered myself an adult for a few years now but somehow my 20th birthday makes it official. As a book lover and movie lover, a people lover and a big-time journaler (which apparently isn't a word, but I'll use it anyway) I am fascinated by the study and development of characters, fictional or real. I love classic literature for the deep characters and fantastic character development they are made up of, I love biographies for how they paint a picture of people I admire or am intrigued by, and I love to journal to process who the Lord is shaping me to be and to look back on where He has brought me from.
The woman I want to be today was influenced by my travel-loving and entrepreneurial Dad, my country-girl and home-maker Momma, my fascinating "Grandma Great", Jim Elliot, Cinderella, "Little Mommy", C. S. Lewis's books, Rich Mullins, the American Girl's (Samantha and Kit especially), Belle from Beauty and the Beast, Robin Hood, Steven Curtis Chapman and Ronald Reagan, among others. I desire to have the grace, influence, humility, graciousness and compassion of a princess who was raised in a cottage, was best friends with her Daddy, could befriend timid woodland animals, and can do house-keeping as good as any maid. I want to be a Proverbs 31 woman for my husband and children, I want to aid in the rescue and loving of vulnerable children around the world, I want to teach my children at home, I want to garden like my Mammy (mom's mom), do photography like my Daddy used to, cook like my Momma and manage a house in the country on lots of land just like a great lady would. I want to be as adventurous as my childhood bestie, possess the hospitality of my other dear childhood friend, the joy of beautiful Jade, the tender heart of my sweet friend in Pennsylvania, the humility of my darling Kelsey, the unconditional love of dear Jessica, the ready laugh of my Lydia-friend, and generous heart of precious Mikayla.
I have been so aware of the Old Man still alive and in control in my life of late. I have also been so aware of the wonder of who my God is. The more like Him I become, the closer to Him I draw, the more I see state of my soul and nastiness of my life apart from Him and the more I hide myself in the truth that my great God is IN me, FOR me and WITH me. I have developed a flawed way of handling sin I see in myself and in others and the result of sin the world at large. I fixate on it, meditate on it, shake me head at it, hang my head over it, despair over it. "In every season, You are still God, I have a reason to sing, I have a reason to worship." Every glimpse of sin in my wicked heart and those all around me should only send my eyes straight up to the Lord in praise, for He is Lord of all and able to save all who will let Him in. I can bring my wickedness before Him in complete faith that He is already aware of it and ready to transform that part of my life from a fallen nature to His likeness. I have been given His power, His joy, His love, His mercy... I can forgive and show compassion to my enemies, I can walk in peace and rejoice always in spite of my imperfection and all the mistakes I make through the day. Walking in despair makes the Old Man the one people see when they see me, walking in the triumph of Jesus' blood makes Him the one people see when they see me. I want to be that light, that tangible testimony, to the people all around me on whom I have influence.
12pm, sitting in my little slipper chair, in need of chap-stick, thinking its about time I removed the old nail polish from my toes and re-paint them, hoping the wrinkles come out of my blouse before tomorrow. This is where I am right now and I can tell you that I am all here, in the present. Smiling because I am loved by the best Man who ever lived, rejoicing in my heart at how faithful He is and how sure our relationship is of lasting forever because of that, anticipating with excitement what He has in store for the rest of the day, for tomorrow and for the (chilly) remainder of the year.
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